Part 4: Why We Stay

Part 4: Why We Stay

When Leaving Means Losing Everything

People often ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” as if walking away from abuse is simple. But the truth is: for many women and survivors, leaving can feel more dangerous than staying.

Especially when you're poor. Especially when you're alone. Especially when the system that’s supposed to help doesn’t show up.

🏚️ Nowhere to Go, No One to Help

In British Columbia—and across Canada—rents are through the roof. In many cities, $1,800 gets you a tiny studio. But what if you’re on social assistance and getting less than $1,000 a month?

Where do you go when there are no shelters?

What do you do when there's a waitlist for housing or your kids might be taken away?

Who do you trust when the police don’t believe you—or worse, blame you?

For many, staying with an abuser feels like the lesser of two evils. Because the alternative might be homelessness. Or losing your children. Or being stalked and hurt anyway. The truth is, many women leave—and are still killed.

💸 The Poverty Trap

• 📉 Abusers often control the money, phones, and transportation
• 🛑 Survivors may have no access to savings or income
• 📞 Legal help is expensive, and free resources are stretched thin
• 💊 Mental health and trauma support is often not covered or accessible

Meanwhile, if you do leave, you may be forced into unsafe housing, shelters with no privacy, or rooms shared with strangers. And the stress? It’s constant. Fear. Exhaustion. Paperwork. Re-traumatization.

🚫 When Systems Fail Survivors

The justice system is not always on our side. Survivors are often:

• ❌ Disbelieved or dismissed by police
• 🗓️ Told to wait months for court dates
• 📂 Expected to collect their own evidence while retraumatized
• 💥 Blamed for “provoking” violence or “staying too long”

These failures send a clear message: you’re on your own.

❤️ The Strength in Staying Alive

Some people stay not because they are weak, but because they are strong enough to survive day after day in a system stacked against them. They stay because they are protecting their children. Or because they’re planning their escape silently, carefully. Or because they simply don’t want to die.

“Why didn’t she leave?” is the wrong question. We should be asking:

“Why was he allowed to hurt her?”
“Why didn’t anyone help her?”
“Why are we okay with a system that traps people in danger?”

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📣 Tomorrow: The Path Forward

In Part 5, I’ll share a vision for change—how we can raise boys to be kind, support survivors early, and build communities where violence isn’t the norm.

Until we make leaving safe, supported, and sustainable—we can’t blame anyone for staying.

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✍️ In truth and defiance,
Tina Winterlik aka Zipolita
🌐 zipolita.com | Facebook | Twitter