When You Feel Small, But Keep Going Anyway

When You Feel Small, But Keep Going Anyway

Lately, I’ve been thinking about that scene from the movie Antz, where the evil grasshopper Hopper says something like, “If the ants ever figure out they outnumber us, we’re done.”

It stuck with me. Because right now, the world feels so upside-down. Dark, hungry, lonely days. People digging through garbage. People sleeping in doorways. And then there are folks in their 70s and 80s throwing big parties, going on cruises, concerts, vacations. And they’ll tell you, “At our age, what can we do?”

That’s what’s so depressing.

Somehow, we didn’t expect this. We worried about kids getting lost online, but now I see older folks spending hours on YouTube, TV, glued to tablets while the world burns. My friend’s dog—just a few years old—poops in the house because she won’t take him out sometimes. She has money, she’s capable… but she says he pooped so she won’t take him. Thankfully, the dog stays with someone else half the year while she’s in Mexico.

We let people get away with a lot by saying, “They’re old.” But sometimes, that’s just an excuse. I remember a Thanksgiving years ago when someone’s grandfather said something racist about Indigenous people. I was ready to say something, but my sister kicked me under the table. We stay silent because they're old. But that silence hurts.

And let’s talk about depression.

The last little while has been hell. It’s a little better today. We got our CPP. Mine is $275. Ridiculous. But it paid my bills. We scraped together enough for food. That’s a win, I guess.

But I asked my 76-year-old friend if he went outside today, and he got furious. Like, “Why would you ask me that? What kind of question is that?” And I was left shaken. I told another friend, same age as me, and she said she’d be mad if someone asked her that too.

Really? I’m just asking if you stepped outside into the light. Into the world.

Thankfully, I met this mental health nurse while painting the mural, and we became friends. He dropped by, and when I told him about it, we laughed. Not because it’s funny—but because sometimes it’s the only way to stop from crying. He said what I already knew: the defensiveness, the isolation—it’s depression.

Another friend of mine, just retired, is caring for her 85-year-old mom. I think she’s depressed too. She still drinks. Makes comments about her memory slipping. It scares me.

So yeah. Some days I feel small and helpless. But today, I’ve got a little bit of money. I’m going to clean, get a little more organized. I’m hanging on. I’m waiting for housing. Maybe the Competition Bureau will finally do something about the landlords and the rent gouging. I won a settlement recently—but to collect, I’d have to go to court. So what’s the point? I let it go. That’s the system.

That’s why it always feels like the big guy wins. But we have to keep the faith, don’t we?

And here’s the kicker:

Years ago, I paid into this little pension plan through the Canadian Commercial Workers Union. I worked at Lilydale. The company went under. Things got shuffled around. And now, I get a letter saying that when I turn 65, I’ll get $1.26 a month.

When I showed my friend, we laughed until we cried.

That’s how f***ed up things are.

But we have to keep going. For the kids, right?

(Yeah, that’s sarcasm.)

But also… not.

Because maybe it is for the kids. For the ones still growing up. The ones still learning how to survive this world we’re leaving them. Maybe they need to know someone saw it all clearly and still kept trying.

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